Onwards to Maturity

     The girls and I happened upon this interesting little wildflower while checking out a showier purple one beside it. Nearly walking right past it, my eyes settled on it as I made my way back to the trail. Recognition briefly registered in my mind causing my footfall to slow to a halt. Pineapple-weed? Could it be? On my mental list of wildflowers I hope to spy, I had seen it in my field guide many times. I excitedly snapped the photo, to use for final identification later.

     Upon returning home, I loaded the pictures and began poring over my books. It sure did look like what I was hoping for. I read about the characteristics of this wildflower. Apparently it would emit a strong pineapple scent if its flowers or leaves are crushed. Well I hadn't tested it that way! I'd have to go back the next day.

     We did return the following day, excitedly talking amongst ourselves in the car about who would be the first one to check for the smell. Upon further inspection, the flowers did, indeed, have a sweet pineapple smell when crushed. How exciting! A highlight in a dreary sort of week for me.

     I was thankful to hear the Lord "speak" to me concerning this plant. He reminded me about the beautiful fragrance that resulted from the crushing. Don't you forget, Tamra, how I do this in your life. Oftentimes you feel beaten down. Remember that the sweetness comes from the crushing. Okay, Lord, I hear You.

     The more I find out about this flower, the more fascinating it seems to me. Interestingly, it tends to grow in places where it is constantly trampled upon. Hmmm.... I think I can relate to that feeling! What I cannot exactly relate to, though, is that the rough treatment hardly ever hurts this plant. Its resiliency causes it to thrive in spite of the beating it routinely takes. Oh.

     Lord, You always meet me where I am. You know that I am discouraged and hard-pressed on every side. How thankful I am that I have You to cling to while walking through the valley! I want to be mindful of what it is You are doing in my life. Remind me on a daily basis how profitable suffering is in bringing me to maturity in You. Help me not to give up when it feels like too much. Cause me, through my crushing, to be a sweet aroma not only to You, but to those You would place in my life. I want others to be blessed through my experiences, Lord. Help me to persevere and even possess inexplicable joy for the journey. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

What Love Does

The Lord has been convicting and comforting me with this scene from one of our recent spring hikes. On this particular day, I had wanted to beat the rain and search for wildflowers. All had proceeded according to plan until we reached the last fourth of the hike. At that point, the wind began gusting, dark clouds rolled in, and rain drops began pelting us. There was nowhere to go but forward - so forward we went! While hustling along, I turned to see how my oldest and youngest sons were coming along. My heart melted as soon as I beheld the sight that was waiting for me.

I came home and shared with my Facebook friends: "Well, it did rain on us. And this is what Love does..." Such a beautiful visual of how the Lord walks with us, loving and protecting us, every step of the way. I cannot tell you how many times this picture has popped into my mind since then - probably on a daily basis. It is comforting to dwell on the reality of the Lord walking with me through life's storms in this very way.

As is often the case, the Lord has continued to draw more and more out of this incident for me as the days have gone on. He has used one detail of the picture in particular to speak to me:  Levi's reaction to the unpleasant rain that is falling around him. You'll notice that his hands cover his ears, his eyes are cast down, and his head is bent. The more I study the picture, the more I cannot deny that I am looking at myself. How many times I do this!

Too often I find myself in this same exact posture as I walk through life. I clap my hands over my ears, rushing on, hoping the storm will soon end. The problem with this is that it is symbolic of me not listening to Him. Each situation has the potential to do such good in my life if I will just get over myself and open my ears to what He is saying to me.

My lowered eyes speak to me of my sometimes stubborn refusal to see what He has placed in front of me. Lately, I have been surprised to find myself grieving concerning things I thought I had dealt with to a greater degree than I have. I am now realizing that I most likely formed protective walls around pieces of my mind and heart rather than fully absorb the pain and accept what He had allowed to pass through His fingers and into my life. I guess it was just easier to do that than let my eyes drink in the reality of the present at the time.

I see a head that is bent under the weight of all that I carry in my heart. The sadness... the denial... the all-encompassing fear. As I trudge on, I can almost hear myself saying, "I don't like this! I don't want to do this! This isn't the life I dreamed for myself. Please, when is it going to stop?" Sadly enough, I find that I do this when the storm hasn't even arrived yet! I have a mindset that expects and dreads the tough things that must surely be coming my way. How this must hurt my Savior!

Father... what to say on days like this when I am faced with my own inadequacies? Thank You for my weaknesses. They really do make my life a stage that showcases Your incomprehensible strength. Forgive me for not practicing often enough what You so graciously teach me. The things I carry are too heavy for me, I know this. Please help me to lay them down and walk unhindered in Your love. Free me to see, hear, and feel all You desire for Me. Help me to embrace each and every step. You know how the enemy attempts to fill my mind - help me to refute his lies, searching for and finding Your Truth. You know what You are doing and I can tust You. Thank You for the assurance that You do walk beside me just like this, loving Me and showing concern for my welfare. You are so faithful to me, Your dearly loved daughter. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Detours

Wow! We are really just days away from Good Friday and Easter. It seemed to come so fast this year. I couldn't stand the thought of my blues carrying over into this Passion Week, which prompted me to petition the Lord for some help. I did not want to gloss over what this week is all about without really feeling it. I asked that He help me even more to see Him everywhere. That I have eyes to see and ears to hear. As a result, I have been intentional about not missing a thing. If something bothers me, I have been digging deep to find something in it to thank Him for. It's amazing how this one thing has helped.

Truly, it seems that I've been seeing Him everywhere I look and in everything I do. Just today we were poking holes in an orange to make a pomander ball and I kept thinking how Christ was pierced for our transgressions. This was what I wanted when I asked Him for help: a renewed awareness of the sacrifice He made. I want to remember. I didn't want this week to be like all of the others.

Little did I know how different this week would be. It seems that I have been granted a reprieve from the fog that had descended. My eyes are seeing. Praise God, my stopped up ears are hearing. I guess that perspective really is everything.

I've two special things to share about the first few days of this week. The first concerns my precious Levi. Usually a day doesn't go by without the cold finger of fear tapping on my shoulder concerning him. It's pretty relentless and exhausting. There is always lots for me to talk about with the Lord when it comes to him. Being ultra aware of the meaning of this week caused me to dwell on the fact that Levi is not at that point mentally. I wondered if he ever would be. I had one of those honest times of prayer where I laid this particular fear of mine before the Lord. I begged Him to give Levi an awareness of the Gospel. "Cause him to understand, Lord," I begged. As soon as the words left my mouth, I was horrified as a new thought pummeled me. "What if he gains the ability to comprehend the salvation message, but rejects it? Then it would have been better if he hadn't grasped it in the first place! I thought, "What are you praying? You can't pray stuff like that casually!" Oh, Lord, please let him embrace You! Let him understand, but more importantly, draw Him to yourself through Your Spirit. Cause Him to love you deeply." I was so relieved to have "caught" that and covered it in prayer. 

The very next morning found me sitting in on Levi's Sunday school class because of an impending transition that is to be made. I was able to observe him in this place where servants give of themselves each week to teach little ones about the love of God. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Levi sat for what seemed to me a lengthy amount of time for a lesson. The teacher held up pictures and walked the kids through parts of the Easter story. Levi sat. They listened to the rest of the story on a CD.... and still Levi sat twisting his lip as he often does. And then something happened that made my heart jump in my chest. The voice on the CD said, "And then the soldiers took Jesus and nailed Him to a cross." Immediately, my somber faced little boy, with much sadness, uttered one quiet word: "NOoooo."

No what??? No, I don't want to sit here anymore? ... No, I don't like that? ...No, I don't want to listen to this anymore? Or maybe it was, "No. They shouldn't do that bad thing to Jesus. He is nice. He loves me.... and I love Him." Just maybe awareness is dawning. Jesus is an everyday part of our lives, but we never know how much of it Levi is understanding. It is such a burden to carry the weight of your child's eternity around in your heart. And with Levi it's different because there is so much that I don't know. But I can be sure that God knows! And I think that this little instance was kind of like a reassuring hug from Him reminding me He loves Levi, His strength is unlimited, and He is capable of working in his mind and heart.

The second instance occurred during a hike with my daughter today. We had a wonderful time, but as we drew near the last fourth of the hike we encountered a trail closed sign. We had to turn back and return a different way that we had never walked before. Surprisingly, I wasn't grumbly about the change and took the opportunity to keep my eyes peeled for whatever He might show me. It wasn't long before we came upon the flower pictured above. Just one of them. It is a Large-Flowered Trillium and it was a love gift to me today.

I had just been thinking about this flower a few days ago and had hoped that I would come across one soon. You see, this particular flower is perfect for Passion Week as it always makes me think about Christ. It is a dazzling white, reminiscant of His purity and the cleansing of our sins. Additionally, it always makes me think of the Trinity because it has three petals. I heard His whisper as I paused to admire and photograph it: "A gift for you along this detour that you find yourself on." And suddenly I could see a small glimpse of the bigger picture. "Daughter, you become discouraged when things don't go as you would choose. You wonder why you have to go along the way I lay out before you instead of the way you would go. If you had finished this hike the way you planned, you never would have come upon this flower that you've been longing to see. And so it is with many of your prayers. There are things that you ask of me that cannot be found along the paths that you would tread, but only along the way that I lead you in. Yes, the way can sometimes seem long and scary, but I am always with You.  Let this remind you that detours often contain wonderful surprises. Look for beauty in all of your circumstances because it is there to be seen if you really look for it. 

I don't think that I'll ever look at another detour the same. I hear You, Lord. Yes, I'll look for the beauty. I'll obey You in this thing. You amaze me with Your wisdom - it's too much for me to even comprehend. Thank You for a renewed sense of hope this week. Please use me to bring Your hope to someone else this week. In the Saving Name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Rejoice!

We found this adorable Spotted Salamander on one of our nature challenges not too long ago. I loved her the moment I saw her!!! Truly, a huge smile always finds my face whenever I see this picture. At first, I thought that it was solely due to the fact that it was a special night full of memories, but it didn't take long for me to hear that all familiar whisper.

Thank You, Lord, for speaking to me wherever I look - even days after I've seen something.

Yes, this was a beautiful night. Thinking that the weather conditions might be right for the salamander migration, my daughter and I ran over to the site at the last minute. Although a bit creepy on the hike down, we eventually ran into friends on their way home and were reassured. We pressed on and were rewarded with an almost exclusive tour of the migration that was happening just as we got there! It was so cool to finally see these mysterious creatures on the move. When I got home and saw this picture, I thanked God for such a memorable night with my daughter - a love gift from Him.

Thank You, Lord, for all of the gifts that You bless me with on a daily basis that reassure me of Your love for me.

It only took another day before this picture spoke to me in a different way. I looked at it and realized that it needed a caption saying, "Smile! Jesus Loves You!!!" It was another reminder from Him about the joy I am to have in Him despite my circumstances. There were things that I was feeling less than joyful about, and seeing what looks to be a huge grin on that salamander's face caused me to think (again) that I have plenty to smile about because of Christ.

Lord, as we approach this Passion Week, thanks again for the reminder to stay my focus on You. Let me fully grasp and appreciate what you have done for me. I pray that thanksgiving will pour out of me, evidenced by a joyful countenance.

Fast forward another week or so and the Lord continues to speak to me through this picture. Approaching holidays tend to bring my melancholy nature to a full boil, and lately has been no exception. I don't like feeling sad - it's no fun! Well, it's even less fun when someone lashes out at you for lovingly encouraging them to consider whether some parts of their life are matching up with how He tells us to live in His Word. Yucky words from upset people are no fun! God in His goodness reminded me, "Remember that passage you just memorized, but couldn't relate to? You know, the one about rejoicing when people are mean to you because of Me?" He was right! (Of course!) It did give me occasion to rejoice. And His Word was once again alive to me in a new way - a way that causes me to appreciate Him all the more.

What would I do without You, Lord? You are my everything. I stumble through this life and You are the One who anchors me securely. You are my firm foundation when the ground feels crumbly beneath my feet. Thank You for taking such pains to speak to me so incrementally through this picture. You are so patient with me! I smile to think of Your tender love towards me. It's a small, gentle smile, unlike the broad "smile" on this lady salamander's face, but I'm counting on You to transform it and me. Fill me with JOY in Your presence, Lord, so much so that my smile will make this salamander's pale in comparison. In the name of Jesus, the Name above all names, Amen.

One Becomes Two

Appropriately enough, I came across this tree while hiking with my daughter recently. It immediately stood out to me, causing my mind to search for what it was that the Lord was speaking to me through it. As clear as could be, I heard the whisper: "This tree is like you and Anna-Frances." I paused to snap the shot, telling her, "I like this. It reminds me of us." Being the attention-starved middle child, this statement caused her to fairly glow and I was rewarded with a dazzling smile. As I walked along with her, I thought of ways that we were like the tree, sharing each with her. Needless to say, it was a very special time!

I thought aloud about how she had started off inside of me, and how she had come into the world, now suddenly apart from me. One had become two. Thankfully, little ones really depend on us for a good while and I somehow always felt for the longest time that my daughter was an extension of me. I think it did help to soften the separation a bit. In so many ways, we've shared moments of "being one" and I am truly thankful for that.

A few things have caused me to think back to when she came into our lives. I was so excited to finally have a daughter. The Lord showed me right from the start the importance of training her in the things of Him. If anyone were to ask me when my prayer life was at its strongest, my answer would be during my pregnancy with her. It seems like all I ever did was pray. It was a time of steady growing in my relationship with the Lord.

As I grew in Him, I thought of this baby growing within me. Soon she would leave the protection of my womb and enter this world. This place where life can be so hard. In an almost desperate act, I vowed to get God's Word planted in her before she was even born. I dug out my husband's ancient cassette tapes of the Bible and played them to her in my belly while resting, doing devotions, or spending time in prayer.

Inevitably, things slowed down for several years after her birth. We still prayed and went to church, but life was beginning to get in the way. We were deeper into our homeschooling and facing different life circumstances. It seemed like curve ball after curve ball came flying our way. I think that the Lord, knowing how I missed that quality time with Him and that "oneness" with her, laid it on my heart to begin reading through His Word with her. He is so wise!!! Our five-year journey through the Bible was truly one of the most rewarding things I've ever experienced.

I reminisced about all of these things while walking with her, realizing how she has begun shooting off from me like the tree pictured above. I know that we have only gotten to where we are today by His grace and strength. I could never have done all that it has taken in my own strength.

 My heart overflows as I think of the many times that we've prayed together or when she has been very in tune with the Spirit. I remember how I rejoiced when she made the decision to show publicly that she is His through baptism. And I am thankful to see fruit in her - evidence that she does, indeed, embrace Him as her Lord. Though I will continue to pour myself into her, it really feels like she has reached a place where her faith is her own and she is walking the path He has for her. How exciting! And so we've become two.

Lord, in this quiet moment I bow before You. I am utterly humbled by Your grace. To think that You would bless me as You have fills me with awe. Not only that, but You have instructed and equipped me! You would never call me to something that You did not plan to strengthen me to finish. You are amazing! Thank You for the gift of this precious daughter and for impressing it upon my heart to be intentional about teaching her of the things of You. I am grateful for Your Presence guiding me in the way I shold go. Continue the work that You have begun in each of us, Lord. Let us shine for You, never compromising, always growing in grace and abounding in love. I know that You are able to do more than I could ever ask or imagine. I can't wait to see what You'll do! In the strong name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

My Love Story

This Valentine's Day has me dwelling on the love story God wrote for John and me. I so clearly see His hand in bringing us together. Truly, if it were up to either of us, we would never have crossed paths. I marvel when I think of how He frustrated each of our plans in order to lead us to one another.

You see, John originally planned to go into the army. Despite a fear of heights, this husband of mine thought it'd be a fabulous idea to earn a few extra bucks by jumping out of airplanes. God had other plans, though, and the army evidently was not a part of them. With that possibility eliminated, John considered working on a cruise ship. I chuckle when I remember this since he absolutely hates water and cannot swim a lick. You guessed it - that idea didn't pan out either. As a last resort, he ended up working at the amusement park Cedar Point.

As for me, I graduated highschool and went away to the University of Toledo. I planned to be an elementary school teacher. That is, until people began discouraging me about how little compensation I'd receive in this field. What if I ended up raising my kids alone like my own mother had? I really should pick a job that would afford a comfortable life if that were the case. Many people encouraged me to go into the nursing field and the pay really was pretty good. I talked to my adviser about switching over to classes needed to enter the nursing field. And what of my germ and fear of blood issues? I was sure I would be fine once I started to get used to it, afterall I needed to do everything I could to ensure that all elusive security. Of course, God had other plans for me that did not include becoming a nurse or even gaining security. After two semesters of college, I discovered that I needed to earn money to continue my education. My step mom "happened" to spy an article in the newspaper that spoke of an upcoming employment fair at, you guessed it, Cedar Point.

Of course, I went to the job fair, secured a position, and everything was perfectly lined up to meet John. Not only did I meet him, but I did so on the very first day I moved in. His friend was dating my roommate and they had come over to visit. That was on March 31st and we began dating on April 19th. One year later we got married on April 19th, the anniversary of the day we began dating. It wasn't long before we learned that our first child was on his way - I had gotten pregnant just three weeks after our wedding day! We figured it was time to lay down roots in John's home town of Akron. From that point on, any thoughts of school for me would sit on the shelf while I poured myself into being a wife and mother.

Though I can see without a doubt that God meant for us to be together, I've got to say that it has been terribly difficult. Both of us came into our relationship as very broken individuals with enormous amounts of baggage. Add to that the fact that we did not have the advantage of living a life submitted to Him for the first half of our years together, and you've got a ticking time bomb. I cringe to remember the times when we have given up on one another and our marriage, even to the point of going to the courthouse and picking up divorce papers. It is a true testament of God's grace in our lives that we are still together just weeks away from our 20th wedding anniversary.

This brings me to the story that goes behind the picture for this post. Since we have struggled so desparately in marriage, it has given us a degree of hypersensitivity towards the struggles that others have in this area. Having been there ourselves, we have compassion. Knowing how we felt, we can relate. Being aware of what has strengthened us aids us in praying for those facing struggles. And pray we do! It has become a sort of ministry for us. We like to tell people that we will go to war for their marriage. To date, we have stood in the gap and done battle for many a couple. Out of the ashes of our nearly exterminated union, has risen a very beautiful prayer ministry. We love to pray for marriages! If you know us, there's a good chance we've prayed for your marriage. If you don't yet have a spouse, there is a good chance that we have prayed for your future marriage - for Him to prepare you and your future spouse for the time when you will be one.

There was a time, not too many years ago, where it seemed that divorce was everywhere we looked. I think we counted twelve or thirteen marriages that had ended in divorce or were heading that way. Even more disheartening was the fact that the majority of them were Christian marriages! One particular day, I ran into a friend who I had been trying to encourage in her marriage. I had been calling, praying, and sending little notes... but she had been avoiding me like the plague. I was thrilled to run into her and spent some time talking with her and asking some tough questions. She answered truthfully, but her mind was pretty much already made up by that point. I got into the car discouraged, shaking my head in frustration. I lamented to John how I had been fighting hard for this couple's marriage, but she didn't even care. I brought up a few more couples that I had been fighting hard for and who seemed to not care either. I looked at him and said, "There is no way that we should even be together after all that we have endured, yet here we are. Why are we here, but they aren't at this place of reconciliation? I fought for them!!! Who fought for us that we should be here?" John just looked at me and said, "I don't know. I guess we just fought for each other." That pretty much ended our conversation, but my heart remained heavy until the next day when I was reading in my Bible. I had come to the place at the end of Joshua's life as he was addressing Israel. I nearly fell over when my eyes came upon Joshua 23:3b: "it was the LORD your God who fought for you." Tears flooded my eyes as the beauty of the words soaked into my heart. Of course! It had been the Lord who had fought for us all along. How could I not have seen it sooner?

The above picture is one of the wildflower Skunk Cabbage. When I came upon this shot, I immediately thought of how it looked like an army. Today, as I reflect on the love story God gave to me, it reminds me of how He fought for my marriage... and I am thankful.

Heavenly Father, I praise You for the good plan that You are working out in my life. Thank You that You know better than I do what is best for me. I trust You to open and close doors in my life in accordance with the path You want my feet to walk. Thank You for the doors that You have slammed shut up to this point, steering me where You would have me go. Help me to always be mindful of You at work in my life, Lord. May I always be thankful, never grumbling, about each new circumstance, fully recognizing Your sovereignty. Lord, I thank you so much for providing just the right husband for me. Thank You for fighting for us when we would have given up on one another. I am comforted that You have kept us these twenty years and I cling to the promise found in Exodus 14:14 that You will fight for us; we need only to be still. Help me to be still - to tune my ears to what You would whisper to me. And always, help me to obey when I hear You.

Your dearly loved daughter, Tamra.

Set Apart

I received a 4:30 AM wake-up call from the Lord this morning. When it became plain that I was going to be awake for a while, I slipped from beneath the covers and crept downstairs. I took advantage of the first hour or so to do some housework, shooting arrow prayers up for friends as He brought them to mind. I was eventually able to sink into the couch with a hot cup of tea, my Bible, and devotions. I would not let this precious chance to be with Him slip away - especially since He had arranged for me to have it in the first place!

I happen to be finishing up the book of Leviticus in my daily reading. To be honest, this particular book of the Bible probably ranks near the bottom on my scale of likeability. I respect it as God's Word, but I've found myself on several occasions petitioning Him to speak to me through it and make it come alive for me. I have discovered that He loves those kind of prayers and is usually more than happy to oblige. This morning was no exception as I asked and He delivered. I knew I was hearing from Him as soon as I read it: "Be holy because I, the LORD your God am holy" (Leviticus 19:2). I was excited to have heard from Him and filed it away until the time when He would reveal more to me.

I came across the tree in the above picture a bit later while hiking with friends. I paused in front of it, admiring its beauty. As I began snapping pictures and really soaking it in, I couldn't shake the feeling that He was speaking to me. But what?  I sensed that I would be writing something about this tree and even told my friend so. It wasn't until hours later that I finally "got" that He was reaffirming the Scripture He had given me that morning.

You see, one of the thoughts I had when I came upon this tree was that it resembles camouflage. That word, camouflage, kept coming to me. "Camouflage, Lord? You want to talk to me about camouflage?" He wasn't giving me any help. I tossed it around in my head a bit and thought about how people and animals use camouflage. "Okay, they use it to blend in." Do you remember the verse I gave you this morning, Tamra? Be holy because I, the LORD your God am holy. That was it! I had felt Him impress upon my heart the importance of being holy and set apart. He reminded me through this tree's appearance that He has not called me to blend in with this world. I am not to fly safely under the radar undetected. If I live the way He wants me to, it is guaranteed that I will stand out. People should recognize that there is something different about me and be drawn to the One who continues to transform me. Amazing!

Precious Lord, thanks for encouraging me to live my life for You in a way that causes me to stand out. I realize that You telling me to be holy (and set apart) does not mean that I should wall myself off from those who are not like me. On the contrary, I am 100% positive that You have been calling me to love others in a more radical way over the past several months. Choosing not to blend in with those around me does not hinder my ability to love like You've called me to love. Help me to love like that, Lord. Strengthen me to live for You in a such a way that others take notice. When they do take notice, I ask further that You would give me just the right words to explain the reason for the hope that is within me. Please keep my heart soft towards You and my ears sensitive to anything You would speak to me. When I hear from You, I pray that I will quickly obey You. Help me decrease so that You can increase and do Your thing through me. In the strong name of Jesus I pray, Amen.